Controversial Discussion on Drug Abuse – We are Lying to Our Kids About Drugs

So many programs and drug rehabilitation centers are devoted to helping kids and adults recover from the devastating effects of drug abuse and/or alcoholism.

So with all we've been doing, why is nothing working? Why are kids still abusing drugs and alcohol? 

If you believe some of the documentaries floating around about how the government is controlling the drug cartels, or maybe government is being controlled by the drug cartels, you might think our kids have no hope.

But I think we've been looking at drug abuse incorrectly. We've been lying to our kids by telling them that drugs are bad. Why do I think that? Rather than discuss my feelings in this blog, I'm going to direct you to another blog that discusses – in detail – Why What We’re Telling Our Kids About Drugs Doesn’t Help Them. 

Relationship Problems? Answer This One Question and You’ll Know What To Do!

We all experience occasional relationship problems, whether they are with our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, significant others, or friends. And most of the time, we are able to resolve those problems, because deep down, we know our loved ones truly love us. 

But sometimes we really don’t know that – or if – they love us, because we’re insecure about their love for us. When our spouses, who chose to marry us, for instance, don’t act lovingly toward us; when our mothers, who birthed us, but maybe suffered from postpartum depression or were raped and never told us, don’t act lovingly toward us, how can we not rush to judgment and assume they may not really love us? We can’t – and don’t want to – consider that our moms might have been too afraid to love us due to impossible-to-believe circumstances that led to our births – or even to our conceptions. And as far as the partner with whom we chose to spend the rest of our lives is concerned, some of us wonder – did we marry a psychopath?

Many of us have dads who neglected us, siblings who assumed the role of being our harshest critics, and children who grew up to take an unfamiliar path – not the one we guided them toward. They refused to follow our directions, because they chose their own paths – and we think, how dare them! Why don’t they love us?

Or do they?

The road we travel is long and comes with so many twists and turns, we sometimes can’t help but get lost, and we can’t help but decide that others are lost, too, because they didn’t choose the right path – our path. Not every life is mapped with signposts to help us along our way. The road to a healthy relationship is filled with all kinds of hurdles and missteps. And if we don’t watch where we’re going, we may find ourselves in a ditch.

One of the problems some of us encounter when it comes to our own relationships is that our perceptions of the people to whom we relate is actually distorted; we think people don’t love us, because they don’t fit our image of what a loving parent, spouse, etc. should look like. We sometimes refuse to recognize that just because somebody is angry with us, for example, their anger doesn’t mean they hate us. The less mature among us take every bump on the relationship road as a sign – or as an excuse – to end the relationship, especially when it becomes too difficult to handle, rather than look at our problems as opportunities to grow the relationship and progress ourselves and our loved ones spiritually. 

We need to face our challenges and overcome our obstacles if we want our relationships to succeed. We need to recognize that just because loved ones are angry with us today doesn’t mean they will throw us out of their lives forever tomorrow. Most situations are transitory, and most problems can be resolved if both partners participate in resolving the issues.

Some situations require us to understand the meaning behind the actions of others. A mother loses her self-control, for instance, when she sees her teenage daughter dressed inappropriately. The daughter sees the outrage as a blow to her individuality. She has no clue that the clothes she wears entice predators and invite unwelcome advances. The teenage brain isn’t yet equipped with the ability to recognize that someone who lavishes the teenager with attention is actually a predator pretending to be a teenager – or an actual teenager with a hidden agenda.

Vulnerable teenagers don’t want to believe that the “young” boy or girl who acts adoringly attentive and loving toward him or her online is actually a 60-year-old pervert working an intricate dance of seduction designed to entice girls or boys away from the safety of their homes into his house of horrors. So the mother comes off as being hateful, when in fact, she is concerned for the welfare of her child. But teenagers often don’t understand the consequences of their actions – until it’s too late. 

Some relationship problems require more loving effort on our part than we’re equipped to handle – raising defiant teenagers, for instance. I highly recommend reading Discussing Teenage Defiance by James Dobson, Ph.D. The article offers some helpful advice for dealing with defiant teens.

Another example of an all-too-common relationship problem is abuse in its many forms, whether physical, emotional, or sexual. When a husband or wife comes home every night and berates and humiliates his or her spouse, those actions are not the actions of a loving soulmate. People who love each other act lovingly toward each other. Actions speak volumes. The same holds true for parents. If we love our children, they need to know through our actions and through the way we look at them that we love them, and NOT in a sexual way.

Too many children live in fear these days – in their own homes. (Living with an abusive parent or alcoholic can be terrifying for adults, so imagine how living with one can destroy a child.) Children can’t escape the constant trauma unless someone saves them from the abuse. No child should have to live in fear. If you are a parent who is providing a home for a child who lives in constant fear, whether due to physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, the relationship you form with that child will be damaged, possibly beyond repair, and your child will grow up distrusting you and everyone else. 

Some parents can’t move their children away from the situation, because they’re too afraid themselves to leave the abuse. In those situations, parents need to reach out for help from organizations that offer help, because staying with abuse and subjecting your children to abuse is also abuse, and if you love your child, you’ll force yourself to move out of your “comfort” zone – your child’s private hell – into a safe environment. If you are a parent of a child who is being abused by your spouse, you are not showing love to your child if you force him or her every day to experience ongoing terror.

Other less traumatizing events contribute to children never feeling safe in their homes, too. I never felt that my dad loved me, for example. My mom used to say that he loved me, “in his own way.” I learned to hate those words, because I never understood what she meant. He daily criticized, humiliated, and degraded me. I learned to hate myself and I eventually accepted that I was stupid, ugly, and unlovable. It took me decades to overcome my insecurities. 

Then just recently, after my father died, a dear friend talked to me about her mother, with whom she had had a strained relationship. From her I learned how to view my relationship with my dad differently. 

When he was a young man, my dad had saved a lot of money, so much money in fact, that his mother and father took his money and drove the entire family from Illinois to California to live. They never paid him back and for the rest of his life my father resented his parents for stealing his money. While my sisters and I were growing up, my father became rather stingy with his money, refusing to buy even underwear for us, because he didn’t think they were necessary since nobody saw them under our clothes anyway (my mother insisted though).

His (what we all perceived to be) stinginess changed when my sisters and I became adults. My father would often throw money our way and it never occurred to me that, because of his relationship with money and because he always resented his parents for stealing his money and using it to take care of themselves and my dad’s four siblings, money was my dad’s way of showing affection to us.

So does the possibility exist that the person who you feel doesn’t love you actually does, but doesn’t know how to show it the way you need it to be shown? We always assume that the people who love us know what we need to feel loved by them, but you’d be surprised by how many people have no clue how to express their love for us. 

Over the many years I have lived, I have learned that we all have a responsibility to tell our loved ones in concrete terms what we need from them so they will know how to love us. Sometimes a show of affection, such as holding hands or hugging is all we need to feel loved. Some of us need to hear the words, “I love you.” But if we never tell our loved ones what we need from them because we feel, “they should know,” we’ll never receive the affection we want from them. 

Then, of course, the materialistic among us (the superficial ones) need things to know they’re appreciated. If your loved one says he or she needs material objects to prove you love your partner, get out of the relationship now, before s/he cleans out your bank account with demands for material “affection.” That kind of “love” won’t last. If she or he is your child, start now to teach your child the true nature of “value.”

Forgetting the materialistic “lover,” let’s say we tell our loved ones what we need from them and they ignore our requests. Do we assume they don’t care? Maybe. Maybe not. Some people have a hard time saying, “I love you.” Some people aren’t comfortable with hugs. And yet, some people really don’t know how to love. 

If you are always the one putting forth effort to maintain the relationship and you’re getting tired of the lack of reciprocity, you more likely have a master/slave relationship than you do a familial one. Maybe the time has come for you to take an inventory of what you have given to the relationship and compare what you have given to what you have received from the relationship. Because if the people you love don’t respond at all to your requests and if they don’t even try to make an effort to act lovingly toward you, maybe it’s time to excise them from your life.

And yet, because we look at things from our own perspectives, we don’t always see things as they are. We see things only from our own point of view. Taking ourselves out of the situation and placing ourselves in other’s shoes is not always possible, but we really need to examine our situation objectively to get a better perspective. 

Let’s say a smoker husband lives with an asthmatic wife. Though she suffers tremendously and though they spend a huge amount of money on medications and hospital visits, he refuses to give up smoking in their home. She gives birth to their baby who also develops asthma. Surely the father will give up smoking in the home for the sake of his own baby’s health, the mom thinks. But he doesn’t. 

Does that mean he doesn’t love his baby? I don’t think jumping to that conclusion is fair. But I do think that the man is selfish and stupid because he is jeopardizing the health of both his wife and his baby. He probably thinks, “This is my house and I can do whatever I want to do in MY house.” 

He sees his wife’s “demands” as a power ploy, because he’s too invested in himself to consider how his actions might impact another human being, even if that being is his own offspring. What matters to him is HIM and him alone. Everyone must bow to his wishes. In his mind, they don’t show him the respect he demands, and to him, everything is about respect – respect for him. Egocentric, selfish, and immature individuals place the needs and wishes of others beneath their own wishes, even when their own wishes jeopardize the health and sanity of others. We don’t want to believe that our parents or our spouses are so focused on their own needs and wants that they could care less about our needs and wants. 

How can we be sure if they love us? 

If you wonder about whether or not you should exert any more effort into your relationship, especially when you feel drained and exhausted from working so hard to maintain it, ask yourself this one question – do you feel loved? If you honestly feel loved, you can resolve any relationship issue. If you don’t feel loved, ask yourself why you are maintaining the relationship.

Loving parents, siblings, spouses, and friends are supposed to bring out the best in us. They are supposed to encourage us to use our talents and intellect to our best advantage. They are supposed to celebrate our victories with us and comfort us during our failures. They’re not supposed to judge or criticize us. Though we may not be aware of what we need from them, the best relationships challenge us to be our best selves. They don’t allow us to take the lazy way out of working toward becoming the awesome people we were meant to be. 

Oftentimes, giving up on important relationships means giving up something of ourselves. Sometimes we need to put forth more effort, especially when those relationships are important to us. We don’t want to regret decisions we make today, because they will negatively impact us in the future, and we might have a hard time forgiving ourselves if we don't at least try to mend a broken relationship.

So take a look at your significant relationships. Do you need proof that someone loves you? I once asked my ex-husband if he loved me enough to give up beer. He glared at me and hours later brought home a case of it. I had my answer (hence, the “ex” status).

Well, let me tell you a little secret I learned that day – if you have to ask for proof, you don’t feel secure in your relationship. And if you don’t feel secure in your relationship, you either have some personal issues that need attention, or you have valid reasons for feeling insecure. Men and women who accuse their spouses of cheating on them, for instance, are usually later discovered to be cheating themselves and therefore accuse their spouses of what they are guilty of doing. If you feel you need proof that your spouse loves you, he or she probably doesn’t, or you need to figure out why you feel so insecure.

Relationships require effort to maintain, but those efforts should be made with every intention of improving the relationship; they shouldn’t leave you feeling exhausted every time you expend the effort. If you’re giving, giving, giving, until you have nothing left to give and if your partner or loved one expects you to keep giving, giving, giving, without appreciating you or acting lovingly toward you, maybe the time has come to let go of the relationship.

I’m not saying you need to “get” something every time you “give” something, because maybe all you need are feelings of joy, triumph, exuberance, and a heart filled with love when you’re with your loved one. If those are your feelings, you’re relating well, but if all you feel is depression, anxiety, guilt, or anger, you either need to change the way you relate or stop relating completely.

Sometimes you’re just with the wrong person. I knew a couple once who brought out the absolute worst in each other. They fought constantly and everyone around them wondered why they were still together. Then the guy (who was a friend of my ex’s) met somebody new, and his behavior changed dramatically, so much, in fact, that he acted like a different person. The new woman in his life brought out the best in him and he suddenly became friendlier and happier. They later married, had a couple of children, who are now grown, and they are still happily together.

Before you decide to sever ties with people who matter to you, step outside of yourself and look at your situation from the other person’s point of view. So many of us hold such hatred in our hearts because of a perceived wrong, and we hang on to the anger and hatred. It eats away at us from the inside out and we experience all kinds of physical problems and emotional distress because of it. We become distrustful and bitter.

What we need in those kinds of situations is to learn one of the most important aspects of any successful relationship – how to forgive, because by not forgiving, we persecute ourselves. None of us is so perfect, we can’t forgive imperfections in another. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” (Lewis B. Smedes) 

Sometimes we don’t want to appear vulnerable and we think that by offering our forgiveness, others will take advantage of us. “We think that forgiveness is weakness, but it's absolutely not; it takes a very strong person to forgive.” (T. D. Jakes)

Forgiving also requires fortitude. “It's not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” (Tyler Perry) 

And at some point, we need to realize that only when we are capable of forgiving are we truly capable of loving another human being. We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. “He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” (Martin Luther King, Jr.)

We all deserve to be loved and we all deserve to be loved the way we want to be loved. Ask yourself if you are doing everything possible to help your loved ones feel loved. Are you doing something every day that lets your loved ones know how loved they are? If you are, you are contributing positively to your relationship. If you’re not contributing to the success of your relationship, start now to repair the damage. Love has no time limit and is always awaiting recognition.

If you’re experiencing relationship problems, learn how to solve them with the people who are part of the problem. If they love you, they’ll want to work on the relationship too. If they don’t care, leave them (unless they’re your children). And remember, you’ll know if your relationship is good if being in it makes you – and the person who is relating to you – feel good about yourself and each other. And if you feel hurt by a relationship that is not working out, learn to forgive the other person and allow both of you to heal from the pain.

Working on relationships with people who matter to you builds character. You’ll both benefit from the time and effort you put into strengthening the bond you had with each other.

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.” (Thomas Merton) 

TransJenner – The Bruce Jenner / Caitlyn Jenner Controversy and What We Need to Understand

We have a habit of assigning categories to people. The way we perceive them to be is the label we assign to them, whether or not we are correct in our presumptions. And they’d better fit our perceptions of them or we’ll cast those traitors aside, or even worse, crucify them!

How dare anybody fall outside what we believe to be reality! The way we grew up most likely defines us in our early years, whether we grew up Catholic, Muslim, atheist, agnostic, or some other way. And, as a result of our upbringing, too many people believe that anybody who doesn’t belong doesn’t deserve to exist on the same planet as they do. 

And though we supposedly mature, many of us never question our upbringing and we blindly pass on our beliefs to future generations. Why question anything, even if we feel our brows crossing in confusion, when questioning nothing is so much easier than having to think for ourselves? 

The divisiveness between this religion and that religion, between this political party and that political party, between this sexual preference and that sexual preference, has become so tiresome to me that I cannot understand why so many people hate so many other people, merely because they are different! I really am very tired of all the haters out there who hate either because they learned from their parents or teachers how to hate or because they were so used to having others think for them that they were – and are – incapable of thinking for themselves.

Ask some of these haters why they hate, and you’ll hear, “Because I just do.” Or you’ll hear, “That should be obvious.” The “I just do” groups will take you on an endless loop of “I just do”’s every time you ask why, and you’ll never learn the real reason (because they don’t really have one) why they “just do.” The “that should be obvious” groups, when you ask, “what’s so obvious?” taunt you with derisive comments to let you know that you are supremely stupid for even asking the question.

Well, here’s what I want to know. Upon what do you haters base your beliefs? Were your beliefs handed down from generation to generation and you adopted them because you felt you had to believe what your parents believed? Or were you too afraid to think for yourselves? Does anything in the history of you back up your reasons for your beliefs?

I’ll be honest, I had absolutely no understanding of transgenders. Nobody I knew was transgender and nobody I had ever met was transgender. As a matter of fact I never knew they existed until the mid-1970s. And the only way I learned about transgenders was because an endocrinologist from the hospital where I worked wanted to explain to those of us who made appointments for various clinics at the University of Chicago, how the transgender process worked. 

In addition to seeing an endocrinologist (for hormone therapy), future transgenders had to also see a psychiatrist and a surgeon, and transgender individuals had to convince all of those doctors that they firmly believed they were born into the wrong body. If the potential transgender individual could convince all doctors that he or she was in the wrong body, the doctors would begin the transition. 

Imagine looking at yourself in the mirror – every day – every day of your life – and seeing an image that feels foreign to you. Though your anatomy tells you that you belong to one sex, your mind and spirit feel that you are supposed to be the opposite sex. 

For a period of time, when I was around 11 or 12, I thought I looked like a boy and I hated myself (for more reasons than just looking like a boy). Though I didn’t know it at the time, I suffered from a type of body dysmorphic disorder that caused me to see myself in a very negative and disturbing light. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw a boy looking back at me and I hated him. I thought that I looked masculine and ugly.

Nothing about my body looked feminine to me. I was flat-chested and I felt undeserving of affection or attention. I also didn’t feel loved. I was tall for my age, too, the tallest kid among all 6th graders in my school – yes, even taller than the tallest boy – and I was disproportionately skinny. At 5’3” I weighed only 63 pounds. Though my bones were tiny, and under my legs sat a pair of Barbie doll feet, the way I felt about the way I looked was so wracked with insecurity, I was depressed and suicidal all the time.

Like many insecure people, I hated myself. But don’t get me wrong – never once did I want to be a boy or feel that I was a boy – I just thought I looked too much like a boy that I thought I would never look feminine, and that was not the image of myself that I wanted to present to the world. 

Maybe that’s why I have so much compassion and empathy for Caitlyn Jenner. If I awoke each day feeling as if I was in the wrong body, I couldn’t imagine living a lie 365 days a year for 64 years – just to please everyone else. 

Depression and suicidal thoughts, though, are not reasons for changing sex. But feeling that you are a member of the opposite sex and having felt that way since you were a child might just be one of those things doctors look for when determining whether or not you might be a candidate for a sex change. 

But why is somebody else’s personal challenge any of our business? Why are we so consumed with what others do and why do we feel the need to mock people who don’t fit our definitions of what a “real man” or “real woman” is supposed to look like? I see so many people crying out to everyone who doesn’t fit their image of what everyone else should be like, look like, or act like, “DON’T be YOU! Be what WE want you to be!” 

Every shade of skin color, from the palest white to the darkest black exists on this planet. The shapes of our faces, features, and body sizes differ. Our interests differ as well. But, unless we were born with body deformities, we all have two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears, one nose, one mouth, and one heart. Some of our interests are similar, too. So in some ways, we are also the same.

Why do we feel the need to hurt people for being different? Does our incessant need to shame others result because we feel embarrassed by them or because we feel uncomfortable with them? Seems to me that our discomfort is based on things we don’t understand and don’t want to understand.

Macho dad has a son who prefers music to sports. Dainty mom has a little girl who would rather play baseball and basketball than Barbies. Mom and Dad feel uncomfortable with their offspring, so they do everything in their power to change their children, instead of learning how to appreciate the beautiful human beings they brought into this world. 

What many people don’t understand is that by pushing others to be someone he or she is not, we bully that little boy and that little girl. And by judging people who live their lives in accordance to the way they want to live their lives, we bully them with our condemnation of them through our words and the way we look at them. Our forceful bullying backs these kids into corners where the only way out is through denying who they really are and hating themselves because they’re not allowed to be themselves.

We can guide our children, and they will follow if we are leading them down the path to themselves, but if we bully them down a path that takes them so far away from themselves they feel lost and alone, we hurt their chances of ever being successful and happy. We should all want to experience joy in our own lives and we should want our sons and daughters to feel joyful too! By taking away parts of themselves they enjoy, we literally take the joy out of their lives.

So much of what goes on in this world is a mystery to me, but I won’t jump on any bandwagons to promote my beliefs just to be popular with others who agree with the common consensus (or more accurately common misperceptions). Why can’t we look beyond the little box we’ve placed ourselves into and really see the world, not as we want to see it, but as it really is.

What I think needs to happen is for all of us to develop compassion and empathy for whatever we don’t understand. And we need to understand that we don’t need to understand everything. But we do need to appreciate that our fellow human beings may be interested in things that differ from our own interests and that different isn’t code for dangerous, toxic, or evil.

One person erects buildings, another designs them, while another sells them, and still another repurposes them. One person creates fabric and yarn, while another designs patterns for using that fabric or yarn, and still another weaves that yarn or sews that fabric. We can’t possibly do everything ourselves, unless of course, we want to live so simply we are able to pitch a tent and we know how to live off the land.

For me, because I can’t do everything by myself and because I prefer to live indoors, I appreciate builders, plumbers, electricians, carpet layers, furniture makers, machinists, computer programers, herbalists, scientists, auto mechanics, crafters, artists, musicians, and writers, because most of them are different from me, and they know how to do things I don’t know how to do or don’t want to take the time to learn. And yet, in many ways, they are also the same.  

Over the many years I’ve lived, I’ve learned to appreciate – and embrace – differences. I’ve come to understand that we all come into this world with a variety of talents and abilities. And we all come into this world with a sense of ourselves. Though we may not be aware of what we bring with us into this life, I also firmly believe we all have a purpose. Some people make it their mission to destroy our souls, and, without them being aware of the destruction they cause, they also destroy themselves and the world in which we live.

How much better all of our lives would be if we would just learn to encourage and support each other in ways that would benefit each other and this Earth. We are often blind to truth because we’ve learned lies for so long, we embrace them out of habit. Over the centuries, many men and women have been tortured because their beliefs differed from what everyone expected them to believe. How many people tormented scientists who believed our Earth was round when everybody insisted it was flat? How much of what we are learning today will be proven to be incorrect in the future?

We are so bigoted and filled with so many prejudices. We think we are more intelligent than those who argue with us. We forget – or maybe we choose to ignore – what love really means. We need to open our minds to all the possibilities around us, and we need to learn how to truly love each other!

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Proverbs 26:12 Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

Bible quotes came from Open Bible

UPDATE: Just read an amazing article entitled, Anti-Intellectualism and the "Dumbing Down" of America: There is a growing anti-intellectual dumbing down of our culture. Maybe our lack of intelligence is contributing to our lack of compassion and empathy. 

  

How to Get Rid of Annoying Habits

Developing habits doesn’t always have to be a negative experience. Showering every day, for instance, is a great habit to have, as long as you don’t shower compulsively all day long without a good reason for showering several times a day.

Some habits, though, are not good for you, and you need to know how to rid yourself of them.

Smoking

You’ve been wanting to quit smoking for years, but pulling out a cigarette, lighting it, and then putting it in your mouth and smoking it has become a ritual you can’t seem to escape. That hand-to-mouth habit has become so unconscious that even the possibility of quitting could cause you to bite your nails, chomp on the skin around your nails, or exchange one bad habit for another – overeating, for instance.

Breaking habits is difficult. One year one of my daughters decided she wanted to quit sucking her thumb. (The Stress of a 6 Year Old Thumbsucker) She tried everything she could imagine to break her habit. What finally helped her? Read on. 

Drinking

What’s the first thing you do when you come home from work? Grab a drink and then another and then another and still another? 

You know you need to quit, but the thought of breaking your habits causes you immediate stress. How can you stop drinking when alcohol soothes you so well? But does it really? Do you find yourself becoming more depressed as time goes on? You know that drinking isn’t the solution. Alcohol is a depressant, after all. But what else can you do? How can you find that peace you crave without drinking? Isn’t pseudo-peace better than no peace at all?

The really sad thing about drinking is that, even though you know you’re damaging your liver and other organs, you really don’t care enough about yourself to change your drinking habit. Maybe you don’t want to join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), because you don’t want anybody else to know you’re an alcoholic (sorry – they already know). Or maybe you’re not ready to admit you’re an alcoholic. If you knew how many others struggled the same way you do, you might be more willing to join AA or at least to seek help.

Binge Eating and Overeating

One of the hardest habits to break is binge eating and overeating. You can avoid alcohol and cigarettes, but you can’t avoid food. However, you don’t have to eat more than your body needs for survival. You can learn to reduce your intake and curb your appetite with healthy options. That philosophy of reduction and replacement has already worked for many people, and you owe it to yourself to give it a try. 

Snacking

When I was in my early 30s I started taking an asthma medication that required me to eat something before I took it. Unfortunately I had to take that medication at bedtime. So though previously I had never snacked before bedtime, I quickly developed a habit of eating late in the evening and it became a habit that lasted long after I needed the medication.

To alleviate my “need” for snacking, thanks to the inspiration I received from my youngest sister, I reduced the amount of food I ate. Reduction helped my sister lose 40 pounds of unwanted weight after the birth of her first baby. All she did was cut her portions and, with just that one technique, lost all the weight she wanted to lose.

Solutions for Getting Rid of Annoying Habits

Drinking, smoking, and especially eating are probably the most difficult habits to change. But substituting alcohol for something else isn’t as difficult as you might expect IF you can get the same high from another enjoyable drink or a different activity. Changing your drink of choice for juice, water, tea, or coffee with added flavorings, such as vanilla (for coffee and tea) or lemons (for water or juice), might at least tempt your taste buds into drinking something healthier. But if your need to get high outweighs your need to get healthy, you need to investigate alternatives for mind-altering activities – not substances.

If you have a drinking problem, avoid places of and occasions for drinking. If one of those places happens to be a wedding that serves alcohol, tell yourself beforehand that you won’t imbibe and value yourself enough to keep your own promise to yourself. Remember, if you give yourself permission to drink only one, and you know you can’t stop at one, you’re setting yourself up for failure by drinking “just one.” Value yourself! Don’t drink at all.

Teach yourself how to replace your old habits with healthy new habits. If you find yourself grabbing a handful of M&Ms before bedtime, first cut your portion to 2/3 of what you normally eat, then cut it down to 1/3. The point is to satisfy your craving without giving in to your habit.

Meditation and running are said to offer a kind of high that is more beneficial to your body than drinking or smoking could ever be. If you learn how to meditate, you might discover that you will receive a feeling of euphoria again and again without that nasty hangover. 

Engage in activities that you might never have considered. Instead of grabbing a glass of wine, investigate potential sources of joy. Where do your interests lie? Have you ever thought about taking a class on jewelry making or woodworking? Don’t just think about it. Investigate how you can DO it! 

What about online games (other than gambling games)? How about investing in an iPad to play other types of games or puzzles? Can’t afford it? Make a choice to quit your habit and at the end of a month, or however long it takes you to replace the money you normally spend on your habit, reward yourself with a new toy with the money you save!

Ask yourself how much money you spend each month on your habits. If you buy a cheap bottle of wine every day, for instance, you’re spending about as much each month as an iPad would cost you. Translate that amount into something you can buy yourself that will replace your habit. Even Xboxes, Wiis, or PlayStations are worthwhile expenses if you enjoy playing games and you think you can quit your habit. You can even play online with friends who have the same game. Or you can dance or exercise using the Wii or a DVD!

Step out of your comfort zone. If you’re used to visiting the same casino or the same bar or the same restaurant, find a new place to haunt. Change is difficult for a lot of people, but if the change could ultimately result in your life moving in a positive direction, allow yourself the opportunity to change your life! Join a club you might be interested in joining. All kinds of clubs exist for all kinds of reasons. Or connect with people who share your interests and activities – aerobics, dance, Bingo, Bunco, golf, fishing, acting, writing, crafting, building, sculpting, painting, volleyball, soccer, cards, board games, and so many other interests could be shared with other people. If you’re drinking, smoking, or binge eating, you’re in a rut, and only you can get out of it!

Can’t find anybody to share activities with you? Look online. Ask your other friends if they know anybody who shares your interests. Open a group on Facebook or some other social networking site, and start your own club. Connect with like-minded individuals. But beware of scams and sites like craigslist; however, if you need to start there, make sure you guard yourself. (Related reading: How to Detect a Scammer When You Get a Reply from an ad You Placed on Craigslist) 

Exercise and Your Health

You don’t have to commit to an hour every day. Even five minutes a day can change your life and your attitude. When I was a kid I loved to cartwheel around the block. I loved to run. As I got older and my physical limitations prevented me from engaging in those activities, I had to change my ideas of exercise. I bought an exercise bike and a treadmill. But to be honest, I rarely use them.

I stretch, though. I use is a product called a Back Bridge that allows me to stretch my back. I call it my Chiropractor in a Box. Because of my back and other problems, the ability to stretch my back on the back bridge has allowed me to walk for extended periods of time without pain. I also occasionally lift weights for a few minutes several times a week.

The trick is not to look upon exercise as exercise, but to consider it fun. Stretching has benefits and when you exercise for even a short time, you’ll automatically feel better about yourself. If your knees are still working and you enjoyed jump roping as a kid, add jumping to your exercise routine. If you can afford a FitBit, invest in one. Or find a pedometer app for your phone that will allow you to keep track of your steps. You can challenge yourself every day to move! Bending, stretching, walking, dancing – all movement is beneficial.

Healthy Eating

As soon as somebody suggests eating healthy foods, the majority of individuals, especially those who indulge in sweets, think they must replace their meals with flat, tasteless, cardboard-tasting products. But something exists in one grocery aisle right now to help your food taste better – spices. Try adding them to your meals.

Fruits, vegetable, whole grains – yes, you’ve heard before about the health benefits of eating them, so if they are boring to you, spice them up! Unsure of which spice to use? Check out the Quick Guide to Every Herb and Spice in the Cupboard, located on the linked web site, and educate yourself about ways to improve the taste of your food. 

Another suggestion for healthy eating is to eat slowly so you can recognize when you’re full. Many of us continue eating long after we’re full just because everything looks so good. If you can’t stop, it’s because you are eating too quickly. Savor each bite!

Friends

Contacting friends through social media is not the only way to stay connected. BE with your friends. Meet in the middle if you must, but get together and communicate. You form relationships by RELATING! Read Want to Meet Some Online Friends? Use the Meet in the Middle Tool! for information on how to find the midpoint between your address and the address of the person you want to meet! I’ve used it and I’ve met some great people! 

Your Mind

Sometimes our focus is too often on our problems and not enough on solutions to fix those problems. We admit to ourselves, “I drink too much”; “I eat too much”; “I need to quit smoking.” But what we need to ask ourselves is HOW to quit our habits. What can we do TODAY to stop? What methods can we use to break our habits and employ healthier lifestyles? We need ACTION, not thought. “It’s the thought that counts,” doesn’t count when it comes to changing our habits!

Behavior

Your habits are ruled and fueled by your behavior.  The way you conduct yourself, the way you behave is the image you present to others. Only YOU can change your behavior. Only YOU can find the right tool to fix your problem. What will it take for you to break your habits? How will you change your behavior to reflect those changes? Inspiration and help are everywhere. All you have to do is look for it.

Want to know how my daughter broke her thumb-sucking habit? She made a choice. She decided to quit. She resolved to quit. And she challenged herself to live up to her own expectations. 

Be your own hero! You can do it too!

Why Are We All So Power Hungry?

We like to categorize ourselves, don’t we? I’m a Christian. I’m a Muslim. I’m a Democrat. I’m a Republican.

But we don’t stop there, do we? We have to assign a quality to our categories. Of course, we designate the category in which we belong as being the best place possible for anyone to be; therefore we give it a positive label.

But we assign a negative connotation to what we believe is the opposing category. Then we look for proof that our category is supreme. We read hateful blogs that demean our enemies and we use those – often erroneous – assumptions as proof that our category reigns above all others.

If a category that differs from ours wins in some way, we feel defeated. Those damn gays got away with a marriage victory, gay bashers say. 

But while we bask in the glory of our power hungry minds, we often categorize people incorrectly. Muslim haters, for instance, believe that all Muslims are extremists, willing to commit suicide by bombing innocent bystanders. They don’t want to believe that suicide bombers and extremists are in the minority. Nothing you say to them will convince them that their beliefs are based on inaccurate assumptions.

So I have to ask, WHY are so many of us so stupid?

WHY do so many of us believe nonsense and then use that nonsense as proof that we are right and they, whoever they are, are wrong?

Remember when the entire country was fixated on the birth certificate of President Obama? Even when proof finally established that Obama was born in the United States, Obama haters continued their rampage until the birth certificate fiasco died a natural death. 

But the hate continued, so haters placed their hateful energy into other reasons – again, often incorrect – for hating Obama. They didn’t hear both sides of any argument being presented. They didn’t want to. They had already decided that they never wanted a black president in the first place (never mind that half his genes came from a white woman). They needed to hang on to the hatred, so they came up with their own conclusions based on what they wanted to believe to be true.

So many of us are followers, incapable of making our own decisions and coming up with our own philosophies. We become so imbedded into our own belief systems – without researching the truth – that soon we believe our lies, and our lies become our truths. Because we believe that we alone hold all the correct beliefs, we no longer seek or need proof. We just want somebody to back us up, even if we’re wrong.

Why? Because to feel right is to feel powerful! And the more powerful we become, the more in control we feel. We can be another Hitler! All we have to do is find just one other person who believes as we do, preferably somebody vulnerable who won’t fight us, gather more followers, design our own manifestos, require our followers to obey our commands, and we can decimate an entire culture to help us feel even more powerful!

WHY do we feel the need to be more powerful than the people we perceive to be our enemies, and why do we place people who are merely different from us or just have different beliefs than we do in opposing camps? Gay is not the opposite of straight, People! Democrat is not the opposite of Republican! Christian is not the opposite of Muslim!

Our VIEWS may oppose each other and our PERCEPTIONS may differ from those of others, but we don’t need to pigeonhole opposing views and perceptions into enemy camps. At a time when we NEED each other, we ignore that need and act so hateful toward each other that we create enemies in people who could be our friends. 

We are NOT enemies. Why do we feel the need to war with each other? We are ONE species – homo sapiens – with a variety of beliefs and interests! Why can’t we accept our differences, embrace them even, instead of constantly feeding our own power while sucking the life out of our fellow human beings? Some of us still believe that in order for US to feel better, we’d better berate, humiliate, denigrate, abuse, and ostracize THEM.

Would life be better if we all had the same hair color, skin color, eye color, height, weight, heritage, intellect, and interests? Should we be clones of each other? 

If we can’t stop the internal war that is raging inside of us because of our hatred for others, our negative energy will destroy us. We will act like dictators who rape the minds and souls of others with our incendiary, soul crushing, and warped belief systems. 

Instead of reading hateful commentary written by people who just want to get a rise out of us and who spout opinions based on inaccuracies, why don’t we first get the facts? Let’s stop spreading lies. Let’s stop fueling the fires of hatred. Instead of watching videos that purport to tell the truth, let’s educate ourselves on editing techniques, so we don’t fall victim to the lies those video makers want us to believe. Instead of basing our views upon the views of others, let’s research original sources. 

How many times have I found myself in a discussion based upon a speech I heard or documentation I read with somebody who watched only a partial feed or read only a comment based on the commenter’s ideas? Those edited pieces came from people who weaved together a semblance of the truth to create a lie, but the person arguing his or her point, stands by the false version of what could have been the truth if the whole truth had been presented. When I present my side of the argument, I am vehemently opposed. But when I ask, did you hear the entire speech or did you read the entire document, I am met with a, “No, and I don’t plan to. I already know what I need to know. I hate so and so. I just hate him (or her)!” 

Want to feel powerful? Get rid of negativity. Educate yourself on deceptive advertising techniques. Learn how media create lies. Be a role model for your loved ones. Stop spreading malicious lies. Be loving! Be kind! Show some love!

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Stolen Thunder: When the Death of One Person Overshadows the Death of Another

In 2009, radio and television announcers declared the death of Farrah Fawcett. Suddenly our minds reeled with memories of her famous poster (pictured above), her stint as one of Charlie’s Angels, her surprising (for those who believed she was merely beautiful but had no talent) acting abilities in The Burning Bed and other movies, and her bout with rectal cancer. 

But before we had time to digest the news of this beautiful woman who departed this Earth much too soon, another announcement buried the news of Farrah Fawcett – the death of Michael Jackson. The world fell into a state of shock that someone so vibrant, so talented, so loved – would be gone so suddenly.

Farrah Fawcett, who might have received more coverage if Michael Jackson hadn’t died the same day, became a mere mention in the news. Though she was famous, Farrah became almost insignificant while the world mourned the loss of the more popular Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson’s death became center stage and received about as much coverage as did Princess Diana’s death, while Farrah Fawcett’s death became a mere shadow.

Fame of another kind comes to mind when I think about the day that Jesus and the two thieves were crucified. Those two thieves were so insignificant, their names didn’t even deserve mention in the Bible. Did anybody mourn their loss? Did they have family and friends who loved them? They were thieves, after all, not murderers.

And what about those of us who lost our own loved ones on the same day that somebody famous died? We attended quiet ceremonies where maybe a handful of individuals felt our deep loss. Our grief was deep, but nobody understood the importance of our own loved ones, because they didn’t receive the same recognition as did somebody more famous.

Does media coverage following the death of a celebrity indicate that the deceased person was more loved than the people we loved? When Princess Diana died, people around the world mourned her loss. We felt engaged. We felt close to her. But what about loved ones who died on the same day as did Diana? Wasn’t our loved one just as important?

We seem to be at the mercy of the media when it comes to our beliefs about famous individuals. Without our awareness, we become puppets watching other puppets perform on a stage. Whoever has the best publicist is the one who receives the most coverage. 

But we are blind to the famous individuals’ humanity. We see them as the roles they play and the performances they give. We dismiss the pain we see in their eyes (Robin Williams, for one), because we believe that because of their fame, they don’t experience any of the normal human frailties we understand. We think we love the people we don’t know because we assume that we know them based on what we see and hear about them.

We idolize the famous and forget that they are not the roles they play or the performances they give. They’re not even the people we believe them to be.

Many years ago I worked at a teaching hospital. As you would imagine, I encountered a LOT of doctors. But unlike my boss who thought of them as gods, I treated them like human beings. I even dated some of them. My boss was appalled and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t treat them with the same respect he gave them. 

What he didn’t understand was that I knew they were human beings. I’ve always believed, even though I was taught to respect my elders, including teachers and police officers, that after I gave these “elders” the benefit of the doubt, they would have to earn my respect if they didn’t act appropriately.

I didn’t always feel that way. When I was a teenager, if any one of The Beatles had appeared in front of me, I’d have fawned all over them like – well, a teenager. But today I look at everyone through the same eyes. We all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses. Some of us are wealthy, most of us are not. Some of us drive fancy cars, others could care less about the type of vehicle that gets them from Point A to Point B.

But I think the most important lesson I’ve learned is that no one person is any more or any less important than any other individual. And no one person deserves to be loved any more or any less than any other person. Farrah Fawcett mattered to a lot of people. The fact that she didn’t get as much coverage as did Michael Jackson doesn’t mean that she was any less loved. Because – what really is our definition of love? Can you say that you loved Michael Jackson in the same way you love your child? Did you love Princess Diana in the same way you loved your mother, your father, or your spouse?

Some celebrity somewhere may have stolen the thunder from your loved one, but your loved one mattered to you. Without the fanfare, without the stage, without the publicist, those famous individuals are now souls just like your loved ones are. They all have no money, no home, no bills, no fancy cars. They are all living in spirit form in a place we’ll all visit some day.

“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” The Beatles

Related Reading:

Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson – Something in Common

What Even Robin Williams Probably Didn’t Understand About Depression

Miracle on the Rock – Miracles Do Happen and Prayers Do Get Answered

Previously published on Yahoo! Contributor Network (Yahoo! Voices/Associated Content) March 15, 2009, later published on and then removed from Persona Paper.

Anyone who knows me knows that the one career choice I would have made, if I could have supported my children with it, would have been writing. As I awaited recognition and opportunity, as I scribbled ideas, poems, screenplays, books, and articles in my numerous notebooks, I traveled many paths, several of which were closely related to the writing field, none of which allowed me recognition, stability, or support so that I could make money with my writing.

From a magazine to printing companies to a newspaper to a video production company, from insurance companies to hospitals to a nightclub to a radio station, positioning myself in such diverse roles as secretary, outpatient admitting officer, cocktail waitress, graphic designer, and daycare provider, among others, my work day was spent doing everything but writing. Forced to put writing "for a living" on hold I sought jobs that paid the bills while I anticipated the day my career would take off.

The most recent job I held was working as an "idea" person, writing commercials for a radio station. At least that was why I was hired. The man who hired me, however, left the station prior to my first day. He was replaced with a new manager and a promotions director. The director would be my supervisor. The new manager and the new director decided that since the promotions director would be performing tasks I was hired to do, I should sell advertising.

During my first week, I realized I had become part of a new reality TV series, The Edge of Twilight Zone. Or so it seemed. While we were on our way back from a business function one day, for example, my new supervisor, whose language would have made a pornographer blush, "mooned" a coworker on a busy road in broad daylight. I slouched in the back seat in horror.

In the three months I worked there, my coworkers and I were informed during sales meetings every time she was "f-ing bleeding like an f-ing pig out of her f-ing v…” It appeared that my new supervisor's goal was to make her employees feel uncomfortable; her joy came from being as outrageous as was humanly possible. I'm no prude, but I think that people who use f-bombs to describe every noun are either deliriously stupid or just plain lazy. The job proved to be more than I could (or wanted to) handle.

I immediately sought relief in the Help Wanted section of the newspapers - in print and online. My numerous physical problems made finding an appropriate job a challenge. A swollen right foot (a problem even doctors at one of the highest skilled teaching hospitals couldn't figure out) and scoliosis that caused persistent back pain limited me to jobs that didn't require me to stand for long periods of time. Asthma and borderline COPD prevented me from working around certain types of fumes, perfumes, and cigarette smoke, and carpal tunnel syndrome sometimes required me to wear a wrist brace that made typing difficult.

My long-term goal had always been to write when I retired, but retirement was more than a decade away, and I needed to find something that would sustain me NOW. Once a daycare provider, I wondered if I should return to caring for children. After all, children wear no fragrances, and I could probably contend with the limited exposure to smoking or perfumed parents. I could lie down on the floor when necessary, and I could sit often. I could also write up until the minute the parents arrived with their children and soon after they left to take their children home. But income from daycare never paid the bills.

And so I did what I always do when I grapple with a problem I have to solve - I prayed about it. And I asked God to give me a sign to let me know if I should set up a daycare while I continued to pursue my writing career.

Because this method has worked for me on many occasions, I knew to ask for a specific sign. I chose a butterfly. But not just ANY butterfly, a UNIQUE butterfly, something so unusual, it would grab my attention. If I saw a UNIQUE butterfly, I would know that I should return to daycare.

On my way to work at the Gates of Hell Radio Station the morning after my prayer, I saw a sign with a butterfly on it. However, I reasoned that I had driven by that sign every day on my way to work; I just never noticed it before. Therefore, I couldn't count it as a sign from God.

The following day, because my job required me to travel, I decided to test the limits of the radio signals to see if they matched the area the radio station claimed was included in its map (it didn't). I met my mother - who lived more than fifty miles from where I worked - for lunch. I wanted to tell her about the horrendous job I had and to ask her opinion about my leaving it to return to childcare while I worked on my writing.

Mom, who believes there is no worse job than caring for children all day, was surprisingly supportive. She brought along a tiny shopping bag that she placed on the table as we ordered our food. I wanted to tell her about my prayer, but I felt her support was enough. I would wait patiently for my sign from God if childcare was the job I was supposed to pursue while I wrote. Only after I made my career decision would I share the prayer with my mother.

Before she opened her bag, Mom placed her hand on top of it. "I don't know what you're going to think about this," she said almost apologetically.

She continued to tell me about a friend of hers who had to quit her job to take care of her mother. In her spare time, the friend crafted and painted all sorts of projects. My mom thought of me when she purchased this tiny trinket.

Worried that it was "just a little something - nothing big or expensive," Mom added, "If you don't like it, it's OK."

Whatever Mom gives me is special. On this day, as on any other day, it wouldn't have mattered if it were a scrap of linen from her dresser drawer or a poem she wrote. I would have treasured whatever it was. But I was curious. And so I opened the brown paper bag and unfolded the paper. Inside was a rock painted with a butterfly on the top, its wings folded.

As I was thinking that God had answered my prayer, and as I was about to share the prayer with my mother, I heard her say, "Isn't that the most UNIQUE butterfly you've ever seen painted? Most people spread out both of the wings, but these wings are folded. Isn't this one UNIQUE!"

"Yes," I told her. "It is unique. It's also the answer to my prayer."

Afterword: In September, 2009, I was struck with cancer. Unable to handle chemo well, I had to quit day care. Because I provided daycare from 2007 to 2009, and because it never paid enough for me to live comfortably, the Mills Breast Cancer Institute filed paperwork for me so that the government would put me on short-term disability. After two years on disability, possibly because of my age, the government put me on social security. As a result of those circumstances, I was able to retire early. I now live simply and within budget thanks to my youngest daughter, who pays me to provide care for her children a couple of days a week. As you might guess, I firmly believe in the power of prayer and in miracles. And when I’m not caring for children or crocheting, I’m writing!